


The lone wolf

by GrumpyKitten



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Egghead - Freeform, Eluvians, F/M, Fen'Harel - Freeform, Heartbreak, I need a release date, POV Solas, Release date DA4 anyone?, Sappy, Solavellan, Sorry Not Sorry, Spoilers, The Anchor, Trespasser - Freeform, Trespasser DLC, no seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2015-09-10
Packaged: 2018-04-20 02:12:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4769693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrumpyKitten/pseuds/GrumpyKitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My version of a Solas POV reunion with romanced Lavellan.</p>
<p>Disclaimer:</p>
<p>This my first fic ever so I'd love to hear (constructive) criticism:) </p>
<p>Disclaimer no2: </p>
<p>I'm not a native English speaker. So please forgive me if you find a mistake. Would love it if you'd point that out to me though:D..</p>
            </blockquote>





	The lone wolf

“Solas...”

Her soft voice hit him like a wave of freezing water, his chest tightening on impact. He’d prepared himself for this inevitable moment, for he’d always known she’d find him eventually. But he still felt like he wasn’t ready.

The past two years preparing for their reunion, he’d asked himself a million times whether he should fall on his knees and beg her forgiveness or remain cold and distant. It would be kindest to let her see him for what he was; what the culmination of all his actions made him to be: a mistake. A horrible, horrible mistake.

When he steeled himself to face her, he struggled keeping the arrogant façade plastered on his face. For a moment he was disgusted with himself that even in this crucial moment where he could set her free, give her the life she deserved for the time remaining, he was being held back by his own emotions. He knew the moment she finally saw the truth and turn her head away in anger would crush him. To see his betrayal reflected in her eyes… Ahh, he couldn’t think of a worse punishment. But for once in his godsforsaken life he would do the right thing, for once he wouldn’t be selfish.

The moment he turned to look at her he was momentarily blinded by a bright flash of green. Her anguished scream cut through to his soul. Immediately he reached out for his magic, pleading it to settle. He felt the marks recognition of his former master and quiet down in forlorn obedience. It missed him, he knew. He had tried taking it back when he had tended to Lavellan after the explosion at the temple, but it had been too late. The wolf’s survival instincts had made his magic become inextricably linked with it’s new owner.

From the moment he’d left her, after that preposterous magister died, he had been pervertedly pleased that she at least still carried that piece of him. That one way or another he had left her marked by him.

But seeing the pain it caused her now, incited the flaming guilt in his stomach that he had been trying so hard to subdue. He couldn’t let himself be guided by his sense of guilt, he had to put his people first. They needed him. Although truth resonated from these thoughts, he felt the first crack appearing in his mask.

“That should give us more time.” He cursed himself for saying that out loud. He shouldn’t stay too long. He shouldn’t give her hope. Or, perhaps more accurate, give himself the chance to change his mind.

The moment he looked her in the eyes it took everything he had to not walk up to her and take her into his arms. Her beautiful face looking up at him, ready to give him far more understanding and love that he could ever deserve. What he wouldn’t give to throw caution in the wind and seek solace in her warm embrace. He felt his rigid body straining against the invisible bonds he’d placed on it. It would be kindest to let her see him for what he was, he repeated to himself.

Scrambling for his composure he straightened.

“I suspect you have questions”.

He watched her face form a slight smirk, following every inch of the movement.

“The Qunari were trying to kill you. I wanted to get here first.”

He was entirely unsure whether she wanted to beat them to it or prevented them from doing so, but either way his heart swelled up with pride. He’d told himself that the mental image he’d kept from her would be woefully inaccurate after two years. He’d told himself that her immense focus and determination could not even come close to the way he had remembered it. Because memories tend to put more shine on things then they deserve. How he loved her for proving him wrong.

_If you really love her, you will tell her the truth._ Another reason he missed his own magic so much was because that one stayed quiet. Mythal’s power had the tendency to speak to him, like a mother chiding a toddler. In this case though, she was right. To tell her the truth was the only right thing to do.

‘I know. They sought an agent of Fen’harel. I’m no one’s agent but my own. I fear that the truth is much simpler and much worse than the Qunari believe.”

He’d said it. The undeniable truth was out. Something he’d been longing to tell her for so long. Something he came so close to telling her, their evening together in Crestwood. It felt exhilarating to finally be open with her, to give himself completely. But at the same time it was terrifying. He studied her face, looking for the rejection he expected. But he found only surprise.

“You’re Fen’Harel?!”

“I was Solas first. Fen’Harel came later. An insult I took as a badge of pride. The Dread Wolf inspired hope in my friends and fear in my enemies. Not unlike ‘Inquisitor’, I suppose.”

He didn’t know why he said that. Maybe because he didn’t want her to think that Solas was a lie. All the moments he’d had with her were as Solas. And every single one of those moments had been real. Maybe because he was so afraid that she would think ill of him, that he wanted to make her understand that she and him were similar in that they both took on a title out of necessity, not power hunger or arrogance. Maybe it just felt so good being honest that before she’d turn him down he wanted to get out as much as possible. Maybe, all those things.

He sees her face shift into a mask of confusion and his exhilaration makes room for bitterness. Whatever his silent hope for forgiveness makes him say, his vhenan has been raised by the Dalish. She has been raised with stories of the dreaded wolf. How could she feel anything else but disgust and anger.

“So now you know. What is the old Dalish curse? ‘May the Dread Wolf take you?’”

The moment he said the words he’d regretted them. There is no need to add insult to injury by burdening her even further with his guilt and self-loathing.

“And so he did….”

The pain in her voice hits him harder then he would have thought. This is the moment he should fall on his knees and beg her to forgive him; tell her how he loves her and how he’d visited her every night in her dream because he couldn’t stand to be apart from her.

_Set her free, Dread Wolf…_ Mythal’s magic doesn’t speak with words as such, it’s more like a vibrant pulse of emotion sweeping through his body. He uses this to bar the straining door to the mental room where he’s hid all his feelings for the elven woman before him. Because if that door opened, he’d be lost. His plans would be lost. Only she would remain. And his pledge to try and make up for his lies, as long as she would deem necessary.

“I did not. I would not lay with you under false pretenses.”

“But you lied to me. I loved you! Did you really think I wouldn’t have understood?”

There it was. The anger he had been anticipating for so long, like a sword that swayed above his neck ready to fall down at any moment. He was surprised he didn’t feel the self pity he would’ve expected himself to feel. Instead he felt something much worse. At that moment he was able to feel her pain, the gaping wound he left in her soul. His heart broke for her.

“Ir abelas, Vhenan..”

“Tel’abelas. If you care, give me the truth!”

_If_   he cared?! If he CARED?! He could feel the barred door pushing against the barricades he so meticulously placed.

Vhenan, my heart… I’ve never done anything but care.. he thought. He was shocked that she actually questioned his love for her. He’d expected her to feel angry, to feel betrayed. But how could she ever doubt that? He had never lied about his feelings for her, everything he told her about that had been true. He could take her yell at him, hell even hate him for what he did. But her questioning the only truth he had been living for the past three years was close to unbearable.

_It’s for the best, my dear friend._ He knew the alien magic occupying his body was right, but the pain almost became too much.

Numbed the truth started spilling out. He told her about how he created the veil to save the people. About how his actions destroyed their entire world. Her questions spurred him to go on. Normally he would’ve reveled in her curiosity, but now he was so preoccupied with making sure he wouldn’t fall apart that he only absentmindedly registered and answered them. He could feel Mythal’s magic taking over the wheel, giving him time to recollect himself. And he was grateful.

He heard the power tell Lavellan about his plan to bring down the veil and even about how he, Fen’harel, gave the orb to Corypheus.

Cowardly as it was, he was relieved that he didn’t have to be the one to tell her. Now he could pretend, at least, the look of sadness and disappointment on Lavellan’s face wasn’t directed at him.

“I never thought of you as some who would do that, Solas.”

Her words snapped him back out of his revery. Although they were filled with sadness and pain, she reminded him that she thought better of him. That there was someone out there expecting better of him; it was a greater compliment he could ever ask for.

“Thank you..”

Words could not convey the love he felt for her at that moment. The bittersweet warmth spreading from the pit of his stomach; encompassing him _. I love you! I’ve loved you, always. Ma Vhenan._ He wanted to say the words, but he bit them back.

All of the sudden selfishness took over. He couldn’t bear she’d change her opinion of him. He had to make her understand why he was going to destroy the world she’d fought so hard for.

“You have to understand. I awoke to a world where the veil had blocked most people’s conscious connection to the Fade. It was like walking through a world of tranquil.”

“We aren’t even people to you?”

_No..No..No.. That came out wrong. You have to understand, vhenan. Please._

“Not at first. You showed me I was wrong. Again. That does not make what must come any easier.”

While he spoke the words he knew he couldn’t make her understand. Truth is such a strange concept. Truth is not black or white, but a thousand shades of grey. Two contradictory things can be true. Like how much he loves her and the value she’d shown him in the world they live in. While at the same time he couldn’t let it continue to exist. A world that wouldn’t even have existed, if he hadn’t interfered. A world that had things entirely upside down. The great Elvhen culture, completely in ruins. Humans domineered, while they were never intended to.  
He didn’t know what else to say, so he just stayed quiet.

“For whatever it’s worth, thanks for the castle.”

“For whatever it’s worth, you used it well.”

Although she had every right to be angry, her sneer cut him. He wanted to say more, but it wouldn’t make it better. In any case it would be best for her to hate him. So he just stood there, relishing the chance to soak up her image while still possible. Memorize every last detail of her face.

He hoped she would find peace in her final years, maybe even find comfort in the arms of her commander, Cullen. For it was clear to everyone but her, his arms were open wide. Although the thought was genuine, he had to suppress a flame of possessive jealousness.

“There is still a matter of the Anchor. It’s getting worse.” She said, pulling his attention of his tormenting mental images.

“I know, Vhenan. And we are running out of time.”

At the mention of it’s name the Anchor flared up again. Causing Lavellan to cry out in pain and falling to her knees. He sought contact again, again pleading it to stop. But it wouldn’t listen. It was frantic like a cornered wolf. It knew his host was dying and was looking for a way out.

Seeing his magic like this saddened him. His mark had always stayed loyal to him. Even when carried by someone else, Solas could feel it’s quiet companionable humm every time he came near it.

_You know what you have to do, don’t you?_ Yes, he knew. He had to take off the mark, which meant taking of Lavellan’s arm. Without a master, his magic would eventually fade into nothingness.

“The mark will eventually kill you. Drawing you here gave me the chance to save you. At least for now.”

He started to focus Mythal’s magic and was readying himself to say goodbye to his own. He hunched to take her hand when Lavellan said: “Solas, var lath vir suledin.”

Her words uttered with fierce determination baffled him. Despite all he’d said and done, Despite all her pain and anger, she still loved him. She still believed in him. She still wanted him. He could feel himself crack. The door to his emotions he’d kept so anxiously closed, finally broke down under the pressure. Images of them living happily together for the rest of her life flooded him. He could see it; they would live together far away from the rest of the world, in peace. Reading together, laughing together, making love together. Maybe they would even have kids. He could see how he would give up on all of his plans. It was so close. All he had to do was say ‘yes’!

But he couldn’t. The happy images were replaced by the suffering elves he’d met since he’d awoken from his sleep. The enslaved city elves that showed him all his efforts had been for naught. The Dalish elves that were a mockery of what they’d descended from. The war between mages and templars, because humans were to stupid to understand the nature of magic. The fear people felt for the fade and it’s inhabitants, which transformed good natured and friendly spirits to angry and confused demons.

No, he couldn’t let this continue. How could he ever long to be happy when he had created this horrible perversion of a world. He had the duty to fix it. This was his path to walk, and his alone.

“I wish it could, Vhenan.”

Every syllable of the words that had just left his mouth, smashed his heart to smaller pieces. He needed her to help him get through this. Just one more time.

The Anchor send another painful current through her arm and she let out another tormented cry.

He could make the pain go away. That way he could help her at least.

“My love..”

He let himself indulge in her comforting warmth one last time. While he send a wave of Mythal’s magic through her arm, he leaned forward to kiss her. He tried to put all the words he couldn’t say in his desperate and hungry lips, caressing hers. His hands tangled in her hair trying to get her as close as possible. He wish he could stay like this forever, but he forced himself to stand up.

“I will never forget you.”

Somehow he managed to turn around and get through the eluvian, but the moment he’d reached the other side he fell to his knees. The pain he’d kept buried underneath finally came pouring out. He let out a heartbroken howl. This was it, it was over. Never would he be looked at with the love and forgiveness only she could give him. All chances at happiness gone. He was alone. The lone wolf.


End file.
